So...my last post was 5 years and 2 months ago. In that time I finished grad school. Bought a home in the Sacramento area and moved from Berkeley. And started some stuff with a few friends: www.facebook.com/theintersections and www.irenicast.com (joined an existing thing). I started a new job that I'm now leaving to start a family business - fair trade coffee, tea and spiritual center (more when that opens in a few months).
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The journey away from fundamentalism (sectarianism, evangelicalism) results in many things one does not anticipate. The most frequent and painful recurrence is the fact that friendships have been lost.
In reflection many of us journeyers will say things like "well they really were not friends anyway" as an attempt to lessen the sting and pangs of longing. But the losses are real. And permanent.
My personal journey is dotted with attempts to reach out and reconnect. To my great surprise many have been willing to sit down and share a meal. Some ask questions seeking deeper understanding of why I traversed down a different path. Some ask questions looking for a weak spot in my answers in the hopes they can bring me back "into the fold." Some share their own stories of wondering and decisions to stay or to journey on.
While I continue to wish that friendships from my previous world could stay intact and close despite our foundational differences, that is simply not to be. I believe a deep fondness and care still exists between us and yet there, just below my adam's apple, resides a knowing that persisting at maintaining a connection would only result in pain and regret.
But why?
There is no proof in my pocket but I my conclusion is encapsulated in James Baldwin's words, "We can disagree and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist."
None of these lost-friends would say they wish to oppress me or deny my humanity and I believe them. But my journey has led me to embrace the fact that Baldwin's words encompass all people. Some would say encompass all people REGARDLESS of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc. I say all people INCLUSIVE of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc.
"Regardless" is dismissive of what makes us different and unique and necessary to the mosaic of life that is the fullness of God's expression.
"Inclusive" notices my skin color, my peculiar spiritual inclinations and beliefs, my sexual proclivities (consensual and respectful). "Inclusive" notices, appreciates and embraces these things about me and cries out "hallelujah" one more piece in the mosaic of life, of the fullness of God's expression!
And it's that right there that many from my previous world are unable to accept in a close friend because it is dangerous to be "that inclusive."
I have seen the postures change across the tables. Watched invisible walls go up. And painful clarity that the closeness that once was is in the past.
But there are some who have journeyed along to other destinations. Places that are different from the places I have visited or dwell. Their travels have yielded a shared understanding that none of us can own the whole truth - only our piece of it. And that there is beauty when we come together to share with and learn from each other.
The losses are real and permanent.
The gains are joyous and sustaining.
