Loss of Friendships

So...my last post was 5 years and 2 months ago. In that time I finished grad school. Bought a home in the Sacramento area and moved from Berkeley. And started some stuff with a few friends: www.facebook.com/theintersections and www.irenicast.com (joined an existing thing). I started a new job that I'm now leaving to start a family business - fair trade coffee, tea and spiritual center (more when that opens in a few months). 
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The journey away from fundamentalism (sectarianism, evangelicalism) results in many things one does not anticipate. The most frequent and painful recurrence is the fact that friendships have been lost. 

In reflection many of us journeyers will say things like "well they really were not friends anyway" as an attempt to lessen the sting and pangs of longing. But the losses are real. And permanent. 

My personal journey is dotted with attempts to reach out and reconnect. To my great surprise many have been willing to sit down and share a meal. Some ask questions seeking deeper understanding of why I traversed down a different path. Some ask questions looking for a weak spot in my answers in the hopes they can bring me back "into the fold." Some share their own stories of wondering and decisions to stay or to journey on. 

While I continue to wish that friendships from my previous world could stay intact and close despite our foundational differences, that is simply not to be. I believe a deep fondness and care still exists between us and yet there, just below my adam's apple, resides a knowing that persisting at maintaining a connection would only result in pain and regret. 

But why? 

There is no proof in my pocket but I my conclusion is encapsulated in James Baldwin's words, "We can disagree and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist."

None of these lost-friends would say they wish to oppress me or deny my humanity and I believe them. But my journey has led me to embrace the fact that Baldwin's words encompass all people. Some would say encompass all people REGARDLESS of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc. I say all people INCLUSIVE of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc. 

"Regardless" is dismissive of what makes us different and unique and necessary to the mosaic of life that is the fullness of God's expression. 

"Inclusive" notices my skin color, my peculiar spiritual inclinations and beliefs, my sexual proclivities (consensual and respectful). "Inclusive" notices, appreciates and embraces these things about me and cries out "hallelujah" one more piece in the mosaic of life, of the fullness of God's expression!

And it's that right there that many from my previous world are unable to accept in a close friend because it is dangerous to be "that inclusive."  

I have seen the postures change across the tables. Watched invisible walls go up. And painful clarity that the closeness that once was is in the past. 

But there are some who have journeyed along to other destinations. Places that are different from the places I have visited or dwell. Their travels have yielded a shared understanding that none of us can own the whole truth - only our piece of it. And that there is beauty when we come together to share with and learn from each other. 

The losses are real and permanent. 

The gains are joyous and sustaining. 

"So you're a pastor?"

After church I stopped into a McDonald's to grab a drink before I headed home to watch some football. You can get a large drink for $1 at McDonald's. I had to walk inside because this McDonald's does not have a drive through. Since it was right after church I still had my collar on.

A person struck up a conversation with me and I posted a chunk of it as a facebook status and it went kind of crazy (crazy to me). I know almost 100 likes and almost 30 comments is not a lot when it comes to famous people but for a simple and brief conversation? I'm really grateful that it struck a chord with a diverse cross-section of people that are my friends (virtually all my facebook friends are friends in real life too). 

So here is the simple exchange:

Another: "So you're a pastor?"


Me: "Yes I am."


Another: "So you believe in God?"


Me: "Yes I do."


Another: "Believing in God doesn't make any sense."


Me: "That is true."


Another: "Wait. You're not supposed to agree with that."


Me: "Why not?"


Another: "Because you're supposed to get defensive and try to prove God exists."


Me: "I didn't exactly sign up to be God's spin-doctor."

Another: "What?"

Me: "Any God that needed my defense is probably not a God worth very much."

Another: "So you believe in God but can't prove it and don't even want to try to prove it."

Me: "Yes...that's basically it. Not trying to prove it is sort of where my faith kicks in."

Another: "So what are you about?"

Me: "Well I do my best to embody the good stuff I see in the Jesus story. Things like unconditional, service-oriented, love; trying to understand others before coming to any conclusions; radical acceptance of those not considered worthy by most; working for justice; improving my ability to be gracious and merciful - stuff like that."

Another: "Cool."

Cookies.

Halloween is a favorite holiday of mine. I love getting dressed up, seeing my family and friends dressed up, and not getting dirty looks when I stuff my face with candy. But what I most love about this holiday is that it is the only one when neighbors actually go to one another’s homes, knock on doors and we are freely given something to eat. 

If we did the very same thing, without the costumes of course, on the third of May, our neighbors would think we were a bit weird. 

Am I the only one that thinks its really sad that we don’t know our neighbors anymore and that to go over and ask for food we have to wait for a particular day of the year and dress up as people we are not?

I live on a street and my immediate neighbor to the East is one of my best friends. I know him because he is really friendly and made the first effort. I know the people to the West but not well and I’ve never gone over to say hi. I have really good reasons - they might be really busy, they probably don’t want to be bothered. The people in the houses across the street I’ve seen a few times and they seem really busy and important and I am certain they don’t want a visit from me. 

So other than a lucky housing assignment next to an awesome guy and four and a half years - I know no one on my block. 

Since it’s the beginning of Holiday Season I’m going to try something that is new for me. I’m going to bake cookies, unless I can bribe someone in the family who is a much better cookie maker than I, and walk them over to my neighbors. 

Not sure what will happen but we’ll see. Maybe we’ll start to say hi when we see each other. 

Blessed are the jerks?

From what I have been able to ascertain, the representatives who are so adamantly opposed to the Affordable Care Act (ACA) are people who go to church regularly... Christian church.

Aren't Christians supposed to be for low-cost, even free health care? There is no evidence or even suggestion anywhere in the Bible or historical artifact that Jesus ever charged for healing people - or raising them from the dead. In the book "Zealot" by Dr. Reza Aslan one will find the assertion that Jesus was extraordinary NOT because he healed people, there were other healers in the day; NOT because he resurrected the dead, there were others who did that and other miracles, but Jesus was extraordinary BECAUSE Jesus healed people and raised the dead for FREE! And by healing, and doing other stuff, for free - Jesus was undermining the control of the religious establishment who charged for stuff like healing. 

Plus you have lots of passages that lift up the poor and admonish those who have plenty yet refuse to help...

As a Christian it makes sense that the most powerful and wealthy nation, that happens to proclaim itself as mostly Christian, the world has ever seen would finally start healing people for low cost, or free...like Jesus did. 

The self-professed Christians in power in the House of Representatives who are against the ACA should find another religion. There are lots of good ones but you can't be a Christian and against taking care of people...period.